Fear

My Vision Problem

We missed that message, but it was put up as a video on our church website. Cheryl and I had just returned from a meeting with my Ophthalmologist, and the news we got was not good. My ongoing vision problems may have been a blood clot, or a mini stroke. At the moment a field-of-vision test shows I have lost significant sight in about half of my one remaining eye. This may be permanent, I may outgrow it, we just do not know now. The good news is that there was no sign of anything like a tumor in the eye, or a torn retina, and the problem has not gotten worse in a week, but we still need to find out what is going on. Not what we wanted to hear at all!

Now we have to work through that, and we start seeing doctor's to look into that today. We watched Robb's message when we got home and were sitting there trying to absorb this new turn of events. I think we both found his message very helpful, enough so that it prompted me to send him an email about my thoughts on living with fear. Here is what I sent him:

Living with Fear

To Robb,

Cheryl and I watched the video from last Sunday, after we got some not so good news about my eye problems today. ( I could have had a minor stroke! We have to look at that now!)

I have a few thoughts I would like to share with you.

First, you will never get Cheryl on a roller coaster. She has the "looks can vaporize" power, and you would have been dust on the coaster floor if you tried. (I did get her on a water ride at Silver Dollar City near Branson once.

For the last week, I have been living with the fear that I might be losing the sight in my one remaining eye, so when we heard about your message, we both knew we had to hear it.

I loved the roller coaster story, it reminded me of my days as a kid riding a roller coaster at Glenn Echo, on the Potomac river. I never thought I would die on that thing, but one morning, when some friends and I got to the park just as it opened, we all raced to the coaster, eager for a ride, but the operator told us we would have to wait. They turned the coaster loose for a test run, and it never came back. It got to a hard turn and went straight off the tracks. They closed the ride then, and the park shortly after. I had not thought about that event in years. I guess it did not put any fear in me, since I rode many of those beasts later. I was remembering that whole thing as I listened to your story.

The whole idea of putting your faith in God and pushing through fear is something I am pretty sure I have embraced most of my life. I found it easier to do later in life, though. Maybe, having been through several fearful moments, you really do have more confidence that you will reach the other side of your fear. I think both Cheryl and I have seen that. The news we got today may not have been so good, but we both still cling to our faith in God to see us through this.

I believe there is yet another kind of fear, though. Cheryl and I have debated this idea, but let me try to tell you where this thought came from.

I grew up in the Pentagon and listened to stories of those who fought in WWII. My second dad, a next door neighbor, when i was born, told me many a tale about his experiences flying a bomber when I was a kid, and a few years ago again when he was in a nursing home near Annapolis. I am convinced many of the current generations have absolutely no idea what life was like for those who fought that war, or any war for that matter. I think the fears they faced were on a different level.

To me, it is the fear you face when you really know the event can actually kill you. It is not something others might find silly, it is real, and everyone can see that. While your son just knew he was going to die if he rode that thing, you knew the odds were very high he would survive. But how would you have handled that moment if you knew he was right, he might really die? (You even said you wondered if he was on to something). This is where Cheryl and I had our debate. She feels that the fear of the roller coaster is the same fear, that you could die, say of a heart attack, if the fear was strong enough.

My feeling is that facing something that really can kill you, when the odds of survival are simply not in your favor, is a higher lever kind of fear. My second dad knew he had a three out of four chance of getting killed every time he flew a mission, yet he did that 71 times over France and Germany. I was stunned by that kind of strength of will then, and remain so today. How did they do that? How did any of them charge into those battles just knowing they might die at any moment, as they watched friends fall all around them?

I was privileged to attend a dinner where about a dozen Medal of Honor Award winners (if that is the right word for that) were in the same room. I listened to their stories and walked away in a cloud. Was is confidence that God was with then, that got them through those fears? I believe many survivors of the war did say that was part of how they coped, but I just do not know.

The fear you face after hanging up the phone where you just heard "Mr. Black, I am sorry to tell you this, you have cancer", to me is another example. That doctor gave me a 75% chance of living five years that day, He put a new fear in me, one that is with me every day. I am at eight years now. But living with the fear that comes from knowing cancer is in you is very hard to fight through. I have been told that cancer is active in me four times now, and have survived four pretty brutal surgeries so far. I am pretty sure I am stronger for all of those battles, and have seen the power of walking with God through it all.

I would be happy to spend some time talking to you about any of this, if you are interested. I seem to have a lot of time on my hands now, recovering from my acquisition of a new titanium jaw.

I know many on the staff at Gateway are praying for us, and with us, as Cheryl and I fight through our fears in this battle. We have seen the power of trusting in God to be with us as we face our fears. (I try to keep mindful of how this affects Cheryl, I just wish I could show that to her more.) We try to have a conversation with God every time we visit doctors, either here or in Houston.

Thanks for your message. It did help us, and it was right on target for us. Very timely, in fact! It came at a moment when we needed just that topic. Perhaps someone's hand was at work there?

Take care,

Roie Black