Free at Last

Driving, revisited

So, I started off by driving around the neighborhood with Cheryl in the passenger seat. She was more nervous that I was doing this. But it went fine. Having no depth perception makes figuring out where the car (or truck in my case) is on the road a bit difficult. I was fine on the driver's side, but I had problems judging where the right side of the vehicle actually was. Most of the time this was no big deal, but It takes paying attention.

After a couple trips around the neighborhood, mostly to convince Cheryl that I could do this safely, I ventured out of the neighborhood and went up to the local gas station. Again, I had no problems. Next, I drove to Church and basically took the training wheels off. I can drive again! Yeah! Freedom!

Now, if TV gets too boring, I can jump into the truck and take a spin somewhere. Boy, I missed that.

Consulting with an old friend

I grew up flying model airplanes back in High School. I joined a local Model Airplane Club and met Jim Coffin, who is a bit older than I, and who became my mentor back when I started competing in model airplane contests. We traveled all over the country, going to contests in Virginia, Pennsylvania, Florida, wherever there was a fun contest we could get to. I never had a car during High School, so Jim was my way to get places, and we had a ball.

Jim was also into racing sports cars, and I went with him to a few races during this time as well. What was interesting about all of this was that Jim lost his right eye when a clutch exploded in a car he was working on. That happened when he was in High School, but by the time I met him, his loss was old news. I rarely even thought about that fact, we just had fun together flying our model airplanes and going to contests.

After I went to college, I got into riding motorcycles, and eventually competed in Enduros, cross country timed "races" (You never went fast, you had to stay on a precise schedule for 100 miles or so.) Jim started going to these races with me, and eventually started competing in them as well. Once again, his loss of an eye did not slow him down one bit.

As I thought about the possibility of losing my eye, my memories of all those adventures Jim and I had together were in my mind a lot. I just knew that if I did lose the eye, I would be able to deal with it. I had a solid role model and that helped me face the loss.

So, last week I gave Jim a call to discuss my new way of life. I had been thinking about him ever since I lost my eye, and drawing inspiration from remembering that Jim had no problems doing the things we both loved doing.

We had a nice conversation about all of this. He was sorry I had to deal with this, but he recounted how he adjusted to one eye and we compared notes on a few things. All in all it was a great conversation, and it helped me get past a few things.

Jim is retired now, and still competes in model airplane contests. We are making plans to attend the Academy of Model Aeronautics Nationals in Muncie, Indiana at the end of July. As long as I feel up to it, I am going to take a road trip and join him there for a few days. If things continue to improve, as they seem to be now, I should be able to do that! Sounds like fun, and I need more of that!

The new "me"

I have not posted any pictures of my new look, so it is time to fix that. I admit I was hesitant to do this, but this is something I have to live with, so there is no hiding from it. I am adding these few pictures for those who read this blog because it is helping them, or someone they know, get through their own adventure with cancer.

Basically, the surgery damaged more of the nerves on the left side of my face, so my mouth sags more than it did before the surgery. I have very little feeling on that side as well. The eye is gone and they took a chunk of my left leg and built a patch to cover up the area where the eye used to be. Since I also lost most of the bone below the eye, they filled everything in with the patch and sewed it to my upper eyelid. There is a depression where the eye used to be, but nothing else but the patch.

They also had to work on the joint where my lower jaw was attached, and ended up disconnecting the jawbone. I have more swelling in that area as well. Both the patch over where the eye used to be, and the area around my jawbone joint will be modified after we see the doctors in September. A bit more surgery will remove excess tissue and make things look more normal. (I hope.)

At present, I can leave the whole area exposed or wear an eye patch. At home, I just let it go, but I suspect it is a bit unnerving for those not prepared for it, so I wear the eye patch in public. (I can put my glasses on over the eye patch, so I can see fine with my other eye.) Before the surgery, a few of my students said wearing the eye patch would be fine, I would just look like a pirate. Well, fine, here is me in my new pirate attire:

A friend from Church gave me the hat. I doubt I will wear it in public, though.

Without the hat, I will be wearing just the eye patch. Here is what that looks like.

Hmmm, I seem to be bald. Funny, I did not notice the hair going away, but this time, the chemo did the job. It is growing back, but slowly.

I admit, I am not happy with the way my face sags. Cheryl wanted me to smile, and this is as good as I can do smiling. I do not know if that will get better. I hope so, but time will tell.

Without the eye patch, you can see the skin patch the doctors built. The skin is pretty white for now, but it will tan to match the rest of my face with time.

Someone also suggested that I could just wear my glasses and black out the left lens. That would be easier to wear than the eye patch, but leaves more of the skin patch visible. I have not decided if I like that option.

Next steps

I may not stay looking like this. In September, we will go back to M. D. Anderson and talk about an artificial eye. My friend, Jim Coffin has one, and it looks completely natural, so that would be great. What I do not know is if my eyelid will work if they put one in. If so, I will probably have them put one in. If not, I will have to think more about that. I do not like the idea that both eyes will not blink normally. We will have to wait to see.

In any case, I am getting used to all of this, and it is not so bad. Yes, it looks bad, and when I run into people who are not aware of what is going on, it is a shock for them. That makes me a bit uncomfortable, but we all seem to get over that.

All in all, I have to keep remembering that living with cancer changes everything. Each time we fight it off, something about my life changes. As bad is this fight is, I am winning it so far. Not without battle scars, though. I am still me, I just have a new look, and a few more problems to deal with. I keep remembering that things could be far worse, so I am grateful for what I have now. I am still here, writing this blog and thinking about the future. The fear that I am not done with this fight is still there, and will stay with me. My goal each day is to not let that fear keep me from enjoying the day.