I am not in a good place today!
Last week, I had another PET scan to make sure the cancer is still gone, not 10 months since I completed radiation treatments. I waited six days, and no call came in. That is nerve wracking, to say the least. Well, maybe they are busy, and Monday was a holiday, so do not worry, right?
Yeah, right!
If you have had cancer, you worry all the time. Will it come back? Am I going to live? How will my wife get on without me? Add in your sense of the questions that swirl in your mind. Even if that does not happen minute by minute, at various otherwise quiet time, BOOM, there those thoughts are!
One can be nervous about things, but when those things go to life threatening, the nervousness moves up to terror. I do the best I can to keep that feeling under control, but it is there.
Today's news
This morning, I got a call from my Oncologist, who normally gets to me right away. The news was not good, There is something showing up on the scan, but it might be related to the radiation treatments. On my last scan there were "hot" spots they were almost certain were from radiation. This time, they are not so sure.
So the terror is back, and it is all I can to to push it down and get through the day. I am sure that things will settle out (I think that is called acceptance) no matter what the final outcome.
So, now, instead of being in a form of limbo where things can go either way, not I am in a state of terror, and things can still go either way. All I can do is wait it out, and pray!
I hope my care-givers, and support folks will pray as well. We all trust in God to make the right choices. We are powerless to make those choices, but we can help as best we can.
Pain
What would a discussion on terror be without a discussion on pain?
Ever since the surgery back in March, I have had to deal with pain in the surgical area. I have been on pain medicines ever since, and "top doc" wants me off of them. So, last week (after the PET scan) Cheryl and I visited a pain specialist to see what we could do to get off those drugs.
The answer? More drugs! Yikes
We were surprised to hear the new plan, since it introduced two new drugs to my meds. But these drugs are supposed to be longer acting, and decrease your need for the short term drugs I have been on. So, after consulting with my primary care physician, and "top doc", we came to the conclusion that this plan may work.
I have not started it yet, and may not until we see what gives with the PET scan. But that is what I know for now.
News is News
There is not much I can do about all of this for the moment but wait and pray.
So, that is what I am doing. I am sitting here, getting a few thoughts out to those still reading all this, and praying.
I really hope your day is going better than mine. Oh, and I have one more class to teach tonight, Yeah!
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